Siblings fighting over the same toy

Your children are playing nearby when you hear shouting. Both are holding the same toy, pulling, yelling, or crying. Each says it was theirs first, and you didn’t see how it started.

1. 1Check safety first. If anyone is being hurt or is about to be, calmly step in and separate them before doing anything else.
2. 2Stay calm and move close. Lower your voice. You don’t need to figure out who started it or decide who’s at fault.
3. 3Say what you see, without taking sides: “I see two kids who both want the truck.”
4. 4Give each child a turn to say what they want and how they feel, with no interrupting. Repeat back what you heard in a sentence.
5. 5Invite them to find a fair solution, such as taking turns, trading, or playing together. If they’re stuck, offer two or three options and let them choose.
6. 6If they can’t agree, it’s fine to set the toy aside for a break. Don’t force an apology, a hug, or an agreement.

• “I’m not going to pick a side. I want to help you both figure this out.”
• “Tell me what you want. Then it’ll be your turn to listen.”
• “It sounds like you were really enjoying that, and you wanted a turn too.”
• “What could we do so that you both get a turn?”

Ages 3–5

Keep it very short and concrete. Offer simple choices: a timer for turns, trading for another toy, or putting the toy in a “break” spot. You may need to help each child say their words.

Ages 6–8

Let each child say what they want and what they could offer. Ask them to suggest the solution first, and step in only if they get stuck.

Ages 9–12

Step back after making sure everyone is safe. Offer a calm space, then ask them to come up with a plan they both can live with. Check in later to see how it’s working.

1. 1Pick a calm time and choose a toy or game that both children like.
2. 2Show how to ask for a turn: “Can I have a turn when you’re done?” Then practice waiting while doing something else.
3. 3Practice offering a trade: “Do you want to trade for this one?” Take turns playing each role.
4. 4Try a shared timer for turns and agree on what happens when the timer rings.
5. 5Notice out loud when either child asks, waits, or shares, even a little.

Talk about it

• How did it feel when you wanted the toy and couldn’t have it?
• How do you think your brother or sister felt?
• What’s one thing we could try next time you both want the same thing?

This week, notice one moment when your children work something out themselves, and tell them what you saw. Pick one toy or activity that tends to cause fights and agree on a turn-taking plan together before it comes up.