Your child says something hurtful

You overhear your child tell a friend “You’re stupid,” or laugh when someone is upset. The other child looks hurt or starts to cry, and your child may seem defensive or unbothered.

1. 1Check on the hurt child first, then speak calmly and privately with your own child.
2. 2Describe what you saw without labeling your child: “I heard you say that, and I saw how they reacted.”
3. 3Be curious about what was going on. Your child may have been angry, jealous, or trying to fit in.
4. 4Help them notice the other child’s feelings: “How do you think that felt for them?”
5. 5Make clear that the words were hurtful and that it’s not okay, while showing you believe they can do better.
6. 6Offer ways to repair, such as saying what they’re sorry for, checking in, or doing something kind. Don’t force an apology.

• “That sounded unkind, and I could see it hurt them.”
• “What was happening for you just before that?”
• “How do you think they felt when they heard that?”
• “What could you do to help make it better?”

Ages 3–5

Use short, simple words, and point to faces: “Look, she’s sad.” Model what to say instead, like “I didn’t like that.”

Ages 6–8

Ask them to imagine how the other child felt, and help them find words for what they were feeling. Practice a short repair, such as “I’m sorry I said that.”

Ages 9–12

Talk through what led to it, including peer pressure or conflict. Help them think about what they’d want if it happened to them, and let them choose how to repair.

1. 1At a calm time, talk about a character in a book or show who was hurt by someone’s words.
2. 2Ask: “What did they do or say? How do you think they felt? What could have helped?”
3. 3Practice saying what you feel without hurting others: “I’m mad because…” or “I didn’t like it when…”
4. 4Take turns acting out a repair, like “I’m sorry I said that. Want to play?”

Talk about it

• How do you think your words felt to them?
• What were you feeling when you said it?
• What’s something kind you could say or do instead?

This week, point out one moment when your child noticed someone’s feelings or was kind, and tell them what you saw. Say a few of your own feelings aloud, such as “I felt frustrated, so I took a breath.”